Today I cried.

So today we went to the gym, I went to the store, came home & we got yardwork done (finally!) It's a beautiful 80 degree day with the sun shining, breeze blowing, intense storms coming later. Thanked the Lord for today & what it will bring.

But as I got ready after showering, I was digging through my clothes to get dressed. I put on things that were too big for me as I met my goals at the end of last year & reality set in. I'm right back to where I started.

Yes, I got pregnant. Yes, I had to seriously cut back on my workouts. Yes, I had a miscarriage. Our close friends & family know this but to most.... I just look fat again. I'm so so sad today. No baby. Just fat. I do not like what I see. I've tried to diet it away to fail. Not because I'm eating too much. In fact, I'm probably eating less most days. But the scale creeps up every.single.week. I don't know what to do so I cried as I dried my hair. Then came into the front room (my sitting room, eventually a nursery) & avoided Kevin for a few minutes so dry my eyes & clear up my red face. He knows what I'm feeling but really doesn't know what to say. I don't like myself right now but am still trying to trust that God is preparing my body. Perhaps I was too lean but now? Just feeling fat.

Still here.

Hey all! I'm sorry for my absence. Life got a hold of me & while things are mostly good, things happen.

*A VERY good friend of ours had a heart attack. At 35. He's fine now (with the help of 2 stents) but it was quite the scare. We are very grateful to be attending his surprise birthday party tomorrow night.

*Something happened at home the other night that really hurt my feelings. It was NOT intentional & I'm overly sensitive (certain that Mom would tell me that) but still took me a couple days to feel better. Hubby thankfully is fully aware of how I deal with things so gave me space yesterday & today is back to normal.

*He's also been sick this week so that puts baby-making on hold but I trust that in God's plan for us. Something tells me that this is part of it!!!

*I ran into a friend this weekend at a local race who I'd not see in a while (kind of a friend of a friend deal) so we chatted. She'd heard about the miscarriage & said she has a strong feeling that his time was our time. Then proceeded to tell me that she felt TWINS!!! Jen is a faithful believer & she gets "words" if you will. Those are two that popped into her mind during our talk. And for what it's worth, she's always spot on. I'm not telling Kevin ;)

*That's it for now but if you are curious about anything, feel free to ask :)

And exhale.

Totally harder than it sounds but with much prayer & being literally carried by God in the last 6 weeks, I can finally let out a HUGE sigh of relief. This week has been SO hard & I've not felt like myself AT ALL.


This was almost as funny as me thanking Jesus this morning when it was confirmed that I got my period again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, it was a tease last night & I had some slight spotting but this morning the relief was there. After a VERY long 6 weeks of waiting to heal, knowing I was ovulating (and couldn't "try") & all the crazy hormonal changes that came along with it all, I feel like I can exhale.

We are definitely going to start trying, well, once this is all done ;) lol Sorry for the TMI but it's my life, my blog & my ramblings. Not to mention, some of you have been through this & some might someday (though I pray that you never experience this) & come across this blog in googling. So I hope my sharing helps. I'm excited to move to the next phase & am prayerful that we get lucky enough to conceive again so quickly. It is in God's hands & we accept that but also truly believe that we'd not have been given a taste of parenthood if it were not meant for our future.

Hope you are all well & again, greatly appreciate the support.

Getting back to me

Creepy, eh? It's from our Orlando trip (yes, back around Halloween.) That was in an area of Horror Nights called Saws & Steam. The premise was that there was a shortage of water in the city (NY) & they were killing folks to power "the machine." We are made of a lot of water you know ;) I lurked on an Orlando forum & that guy was a member. Fun to meet him & people watch in this Scare Zone. Have I mentioned I'm terrified of chainsaws & stayed on the sidewalk in this area? They couldn't chase you there! hahaha Wuss.

So why am I sharing this? Well, that's the time that I was at my goal weight (yes, it comes to that always doesn't it?) & where I felt my best. I was comfortably wearing my 8's & just felt great about me.

I want to get back there yet my body is still fighting with me. No period yet either. I'm hopeful it's coming soon because I've had PMS for 2 weeks now (including a RIDICULOUS amount of bloat.) The scale has started creeping down again VERY slowly but I'll take it since I'm still not at 100%. Though I said I wasn't going to, I went ahead & signed up for WW online again just to have some tracking. I'm not being OCD about it but it's helping me log my choices even if I go over in "points."

I'm in the gym 3-4 days a week. I was doing cardio & started back to FB workouts but my body didn't like that. I hurt. I've taken breaks before but this time was different & my body didn't bounce back like it used to. So this week is cardio only again (& may just do that until I get my period.) I'm afraid of over-stressing my body & while I know it's a machine, I have to remmeber it's been through A LOT! I actually notice the most scale success on the days I DON'T workout (well that next morning.)

The reality? I gained 7 pounds while pregnant. I bloated 7 more when the PMS symptoms kicked in. I've now lost 2 of that so I'm on my way. My body has been through a lot so I'm trying to respect that but along the way back, I'd like to get back to where I feel my best. We plan to start trying again once we are able (just waiting for my period) & with God's blessing will conceive again quickly. If I never lose another ounce so be it. I shared with a friend that it was pretty clear that I was over-training leading up to pregnancy & while I felt good & never run down, my body responded once I had to back down.

My plan for now is just to do 3-4 days a week with FB & cardio, eat well (tracking but not being OCD) & honor my body so it's ready for baby again.

Hope you are all well. So appreciate the support that comes & while I may have lost some readers along the way from not being consistent lately, I do appreciate those that check in on me :)

Have a FABULOUS weekend & BOILER UP! ;)

Trying.

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much. - Mother Teresa Of Calcutta

Seems fitting for not only myself but another friend (actually two) at the moment. I have been doing okay but it seems that everywhere I turn I run into a brick wall. Pregnancies everywhere, baby showers, stuff in general. A friend's husband OD'd...again. And today a very good friend called to tell me they were also unable to find their baby's heartbeat. :( My heart breaks for her. There was a group of Kevin's friends that got married in a row (we were #2.) All of us were pregnant (in reverse wedding order) then I miscarried & now the first married couple has also miscarried (she was 2 weeks behind me.)

I'm having a hard time because I still feel in limbo. I'm finally getting a negative HPT (doing them weekly as it's my only sign of dropped levels.) So I am thinking that I'm ovulating now & will start in the next 2 weeks. Fingers crossed. We'll start trying after that period.

I guess that's it. Nothing upbeat, nothing exciting, just being right now but I thought I'd update with that.


Thank you all so much for your thoughts, prayers & comments.

I found this poster on Etsy & it pretty much sums it all up. I'm feeling better & my hormones are dropping slowly but surely. My boobs don't hurt anymore, I'm finally sleeping through the night & I just am starting to feel like "me" again. I have my follow up from the D&C with my doctor on Wednesday & am PRAYING that I get the all clear to not only resume workouts (I'm going to spontaneously combust if she says no) but also to resume "other" activities ;) I miss my husband in that way!!! Not to sound all horn-doggy but I just miss that part of our relationship. And our 1 year wedding anniversary is coming up too. I can't believe it's gone so fast!

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your sweet comments, support & encouragement. It's appreciated more than you can know. I'll get back to blogging more regularly soon (I hope.)

Hoping you are all well & enjoying some nice weather where you are!!!! Feel free to tell me how you are too...I've been sucking at keeping up with blogs lately!

Much love & prayers for a wonderful week ahead!!!

Well.

There's really no easy way to say this. I've had a miscarriage :( I'm heartbroken & devastated but really leaning on God. In fact, I asked him yesterday to carry me for a while.

I ended up in the ER on Sunday afternoon after a gush of blood (sorry for the TMI) & after a very long hour in ultrasound was later told that the baby stopped growing around 8 weeks which was when I experienced the "old blood" discharge. I had a D&C yesterday (at what would've been 10 weeks) & am just resting at home now.

My heart hurts but I can understand that this was not our baby to keep. We got pregnant so fast (after one cycle) so we are encouraged that it'll happen again when we are given the okay. Not to mention the science that shows you are more fertile in the 6 months following a miscarriage. There is also an encouraging study about the very high rate of successful pregnancies that occur after a first pregnancy miscarriage.

So we are hopeful, keeping faith & turning to God A LOT! Prayers would be GREATLY appreciated!