Thank you Lord.

For the sacrifice you made for MY sins. You suffered, died & rose again for us all but I am reminded that you would have still done it even if only for me.

Humbly praising you with a thankful heart for the eternal gift.

Have a Blessed Easter everyone!!

Help!

He's creepy, eh? So here's a fun shift of gears for you. I need your help. What are your favorite Easter recipes???? I'm making dinner for us, maybe my inlaws & Dad with his girlfriend. I'm planning for ham, glazed carrots & Kevin's requested scalloped potatoes.

Any good recipes that you want to share with me????

Help a sister out ;)

And btw, thank you all once again for so much amazing support. I'm feeling better & now playing the waiting game to see if this is our month. God's plan....

Today I cried.

So today we went to the gym, I went to the store, came home & we got yardwork done (finally!) It's a beautiful 80 degree day with the sun shining, breeze blowing, intense storms coming later. Thanked the Lord for today & what it will bring.

But as I got ready after showering, I was digging through my clothes to get dressed. I put on things that were too big for me as I met my goals at the end of last year & reality set in. I'm right back to where I started.

Yes, I got pregnant. Yes, I had to seriously cut back on my workouts. Yes, I had a miscarriage. Our close friends & family know this but to most.... I just look fat again. I'm so so sad today. No baby. Just fat. I do not like what I see. I've tried to diet it away to fail. Not because I'm eating too much. In fact, I'm probably eating less most days. But the scale creeps up every.single.week. I don't know what to do so I cried as I dried my hair. Then came into the front room (my sitting room, eventually a nursery) & avoided Kevin for a few minutes so dry my eyes & clear up my red face. He knows what I'm feeling but really doesn't know what to say. I don't like myself right now but am still trying to trust that God is preparing my body. Perhaps I was too lean but now? Just feeling fat.

Still here.

Hey all! I'm sorry for my absence. Life got a hold of me & while things are mostly good, things happen.

*A VERY good friend of ours had a heart attack. At 35. He's fine now (with the help of 2 stents) but it was quite the scare. We are very grateful to be attending his surprise birthday party tomorrow night.

*Something happened at home the other night that really hurt my feelings. It was NOT intentional & I'm overly sensitive (certain that Mom would tell me that) but still took me a couple days to feel better. Hubby thankfully is fully aware of how I deal with things so gave me space yesterday & today is back to normal.

*He's also been sick this week so that puts baby-making on hold but I trust that in God's plan for us. Something tells me that this is part of it!!!

*I ran into a friend this weekend at a local race who I'd not see in a while (kind of a friend of a friend deal) so we chatted. She'd heard about the miscarriage & said she has a strong feeling that his time was our time. Then proceeded to tell me that she felt TWINS!!! Jen is a faithful believer & she gets "words" if you will. Those are two that popped into her mind during our talk. And for what it's worth, she's always spot on. I'm not telling Kevin ;)

*That's it for now but if you are curious about anything, feel free to ask :)

And exhale.

Totally harder than it sounds but with much prayer & being literally carried by God in the last 6 weeks, I can finally let out a HUGE sigh of relief. This week has been SO hard & I've not felt like myself AT ALL.


This was almost as funny as me thanking Jesus this morning when it was confirmed that I got my period again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, it was a tease last night & I had some slight spotting but this morning the relief was there. After a VERY long 6 weeks of waiting to heal, knowing I was ovulating (and couldn't "try") & all the crazy hormonal changes that came along with it all, I feel like I can exhale.

We are definitely going to start trying, well, once this is all done ;) lol Sorry for the TMI but it's my life, my blog & my ramblings. Not to mention, some of you have been through this & some might someday (though I pray that you never experience this) & come across this blog in googling. So I hope my sharing helps. I'm excited to move to the next phase & am prayerful that we get lucky enough to conceive again so quickly. It is in God's hands & we accept that but also truly believe that we'd not have been given a taste of parenthood if it were not meant for our future.

Hope you are all well & again, greatly appreciate the support.

Getting back to me

Creepy, eh? It's from our Orlando trip (yes, back around Halloween.) That was in an area of Horror Nights called Saws & Steam. The premise was that there was a shortage of water in the city (NY) & they were killing folks to power "the machine." We are made of a lot of water you know ;) I lurked on an Orlando forum & that guy was a member. Fun to meet him & people watch in this Scare Zone. Have I mentioned I'm terrified of chainsaws & stayed on the sidewalk in this area? They couldn't chase you there! hahaha Wuss.

So why am I sharing this? Well, that's the time that I was at my goal weight (yes, it comes to that always doesn't it?) & where I felt my best. I was comfortably wearing my 8's & just felt great about me.

I want to get back there yet my body is still fighting with me. No period yet either. I'm hopeful it's coming soon because I've had PMS for 2 weeks now (including a RIDICULOUS amount of bloat.) The scale has started creeping down again VERY slowly but I'll take it since I'm still not at 100%. Though I said I wasn't going to, I went ahead & signed up for WW online again just to have some tracking. I'm not being OCD about it but it's helping me log my choices even if I go over in "points."

I'm in the gym 3-4 days a week. I was doing cardio & started back to FB workouts but my body didn't like that. I hurt. I've taken breaks before but this time was different & my body didn't bounce back like it used to. So this week is cardio only again (& may just do that until I get my period.) I'm afraid of over-stressing my body & while I know it's a machine, I have to remmeber it's been through A LOT! I actually notice the most scale success on the days I DON'T workout (well that next morning.)

The reality? I gained 7 pounds while pregnant. I bloated 7 more when the PMS symptoms kicked in. I've now lost 2 of that so I'm on my way. My body has been through a lot so I'm trying to respect that but along the way back, I'd like to get back to where I feel my best. We plan to start trying again once we are able (just waiting for my period) & with God's blessing will conceive again quickly. If I never lose another ounce so be it. I shared with a friend that it was pretty clear that I was over-training leading up to pregnancy & while I felt good & never run down, my body responded once I had to back down.

My plan for now is just to do 3-4 days a week with FB & cardio, eat well (tracking but not being OCD) & honor my body so it's ready for baby again.

Hope you are all well. So appreciate the support that comes & while I may have lost some readers along the way from not being consistent lately, I do appreciate those that check in on me :)

Have a FABULOUS weekend & BOILER UP! ;)

Trying.

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much. - Mother Teresa Of Calcutta

Seems fitting for not only myself but another friend (actually two) at the moment. I have been doing okay but it seems that everywhere I turn I run into a brick wall. Pregnancies everywhere, baby showers, stuff in general. A friend's husband OD'd...again. And today a very good friend called to tell me they were also unable to find their baby's heartbeat. :( My heart breaks for her. There was a group of Kevin's friends that got married in a row (we were #2.) All of us were pregnant (in reverse wedding order) then I miscarried & now the first married couple has also miscarried (she was 2 weeks behind me.)

I'm having a hard time because I still feel in limbo. I'm finally getting a negative HPT (doing them weekly as it's my only sign of dropped levels.) So I am thinking that I'm ovulating now & will start in the next 2 weeks. Fingers crossed. We'll start trying after that period.

I guess that's it. Nothing upbeat, nothing exciting, just being right now but I thought I'd update with that.


Thank you all so much for your thoughts, prayers & comments.