Sunday, April 10, 2011

Today I cried.

So today we went to the gym, I went to the store, came home & we got yardwork done (finally!) It's a beautiful 80 degree day with the sun shining, breeze blowing, intense storms coming later. Thanked the Lord for today & what it will bring.

But as I got ready after showering, I was digging through my clothes to get dressed. I put on things that were too big for me as I met my goals at the end of last year & reality set in. I'm right back to where I started.

Yes, I got pregnant. Yes, I had to seriously cut back on my workouts. Yes, I had a miscarriage. Our close friends & family know this but to most.... I just look fat again. I'm so so sad today. No baby. Just fat. I do not like what I see. I've tried to diet it away to fail. Not because I'm eating too much. In fact, I'm probably eating less most days. But the scale creeps up every.single.week. I don't know what to do so I cried as I dried my hair. Then came into the front room (my sitting room, eventually a nursery) & avoided Kevin for a few minutes so dry my eyes & clear up my red face. He knows what I'm feeling but really doesn't know what to say. I don't like myself right now but am still trying to trust that God is preparing my body. Perhaps I was too lean but now? Just feeling fat.

8 comments:

Kristi said...

I am so sorry for the pain your going through. I wish there was something magical I could say that would make everything seem right, but there isn't. You'll work through what your feeling. You'll get back to who you want to be.

Sportsgirl said...

Heather, that is awful. I know the feeling when you are just frustrated with your size and feel uncomfortable. I would feel the same way honestly- if I'm going to feel pudgy there better be a good reason for it! I have had a bit of success lately with just focusing on fruit, vegetables, lean meats and some dairy. I don't really eat much of true carb sources like rice, other grains etc. I am loving eating all the fruit and I guess that is where I am getting all my carbs from. I don't bother with counting calories anymore. I hope things work out soon :-)

Lady Rois said...

{{hugs}}

Only thing I can think of to say or do...

Sending you (& Kevin) much love and prayers through this season... but we know that God doesn't leave you in the middle, He carries you through.

{{HUG}}
Steph

The Divine Mrs M said...

Heather~ I know that you have to go thru these down moments (and soon they will be fewer and fewer). I also know that you will get back to your "feel great weight"! You know how to do it, the healthy way, and you will persevere. Go thru ALL of the emotions that arise during your journey and one day, it will just hit you that you are back in your happy place. Love ya, girl!!!

Jeff and Natalie Perez said...

That was a hard day! Oh you are so amazing, don't forget that. You seem stressed, maybe talking to Kevin about everything and anything would help? Wish I could be there to lend an ear.

Things will turn around soon. 'just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, just keep swimming' says Dori from Finding Nemo. singing that to myself helps me sometimes :)

Deb said...

Sometimes a good cry is all that will help, just to let the stress out. I hope things are looking better for you soon.

Jennifer said...

I know it doesnt seem like it's going to be ok right now... but it IS! I promise! Your metabolism may have waned a little but i'm certain you are going to rev it back up and better than ever! Keep nuturing your body darling. If you ever need to talk i'm always here!

RedOne said...

I'm so behind. I just read this and I hadn't known...

Perhaps this could be hormonal? I've heard from other women that it took a while for their body to balance back out after a miscarriage. All you can do on that end is wait (I hate saying that). Everything else, you know. Measuring, monitoring...I bet you could write a book on it. If you are applying what you know, then it's likely hormones.'