Wednesday, January 21, 2009

And the dailies begin....

So I'm going to *try* to keep this updated daily. That means likely letting my other journal fade into the sunset but I think that may be best for the meantime.

Recap for 01/21/09
Training: FB workout
Cardio: 30 min run & 5 min cool down

Eats
Rice cake, PB2 & light cool whip (sounds odd but it's yummy!)
Egg whites, ground turkey breast, peppers & onions, 2% cheese & english muffin
Granola bar & banana
Cedar Lane burrito & yogurt
Apple
Refried black beans, wheat tortillas, 2% cheese & light ranch

Notes: Cardio is tentative as noted. I have my shoes & shorts to get a run in after work with the thought that I could sleep in a bit tomorrow instead of heading to the gym before work. I'm sleepy though & not feeling it so I will decide on the way home.

ETA: Completed cardio as noted above & added final meal.

I mentioned yesterday that I'm working with a friend on accountability. The premise of the "exercise" is based on Bob Green's Best Life book. He presents questions. I thought I'd share one of the ones that is weighing heavily on my mind today.

What is keeping you from your goal? Emotionally and literally...

This really makes me think. I think I have a defeatist attitude maybe. Like I got there once & that was my chance. I blew trying to do better than that. Healthy goal weight wasn’t enough so I competed & now that backfired on me so I feel maybe I didn’t deserve the goal weight. (WOW, I don’t ever think I’ve “said” that outloud. That makes me sad.)

Literally, I’m gripped by fear that I just don’t have it in me anymore. That I have to plan plan plan to make it work even though I know that’s not the be all end all of what will take me back there. I feel like there must be rules followed & I really freak out when I think I’m doing something wrong by not doing this or that, following what people think I should do, etc. I makes me feel anxious & physically nauseous sometimes. It stresses me out so much that I just don’t eat.

Something else that comes to mind is that I’ve always been the fat girl. As a child, high school, college, etc. I may have been thinner at times but always the “big girl.” I suspect in my mind I don’t wonder if I’m fated to be that person forever. I don’t want to be her, she wasn’t healthy, happy or enjoying everything that life had to offer. I don’t want to be her. Did I say that?

Somewhere in my head those thoughts exist & I didnt realize it until I really thought about it. The first portion of my response is really what hit hard for me. I never ever knew that was in my head yet it came out so clearly & without any hesitation. I'm glad though. Now I can get past it!

That's all for now.

Make your today count!




4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Great posts! Thanks for sharing your deepest thoughts. Recognizing they are there is the first step. Seeing them in writing is an 'ah ha' moment. Love the meals/workouts and attitude. All so healthy and productive.
Cheers!

FitCrazedMomma said...

Now this is what journalling is all about! You are staying true to yourself right now and are so in the moment.
I think that it's great that you have a "buddy" to hold you accountable for this new journey.
I am not saying this to blow smoke up your bootay either. You really are an inspiration to me in more ways then you know! I stay back and don't tend to say much ( in cyber world! haha) But I am listening....
Thanks!!!
Marcia

SoCalHen09 said...

Hey girl. You and I think so much alike. First I'd like to say that you DO HAVE IT IN YOU. You just have to figure out what it is you truly want and then you will achieve it. The whole plan, plan, plan thing...me to a tee! Oh, and the "Did I do this right? Did I forget to do that? Did I upset him/her/them? Was it good enough?" yeah...me as well! As far as being the "Big Girl", I don't believe you are fated to be her at all, and as you said, you don't want to be her. I just think sometimes, it's much easier to fall back on the familiar. It's comforting, regardless of what IT actually is. That's something I have to work on as well. I tend to fall back on old habits, ways, ideas, thoughts, when things get rough or challenging. It's hard to break free from, but it can be done. And so my ramblings continue!! You bring it out in me for some reason! Ha! Great post. Big Hugs. LIS

Jeff and Natalie Perez said...

Hey Heather! I'm glad that you are back to your blog.There are many of us out there that feel the way you do. I find that alot of what you say resonates with me. Like always being the big girl whether we were fat or not. You sound great, like you are in a good place and that is excellent. I know for me that is almost just as important as anything else I do. I'm still here. and thanks for stopping by and checking on me!