Christmas Eve, Eve.

Yep, it's almost here! The hustle & bustle of the holiday season is coming to a close..well, Christmas anyway.

Being the great procrastinator, I headed out to shop last night. BAD idea! I will need reminded next year to shop early. I'm amazed by the rudeness of people in light of the Christmas season. I guess for some it really is about the gifts or whatever. I'm just about done shopping though & just need to pick up something for Kevin's nieces then I'm golden!

I also want to bake another batch of cookies. I'm making more Santa's Surprise but this time using mini reese cups inside. I also made some more saltine toffee & then some oreo truffles. I'm more than happy to post up those recipes if anyone would like them!

Training is going well & I'm officially in week 2 of half marathon training. It's easy thus far since it's still at mileage that I've been doing. Kevin's training with me at the moment & I'm hoping he'll run the race with me. He's veto'd running the 25K with us though! Smart man! ha!

I suppose that's really it! I need to be better about updating this & will work on that for the new year.

Oh & if you are need of a good laugh, please visit the Iron Maiden blog (linked to the right) & watch the You Tube clip. It's HILARIOUS! Thanks to Di for sharing that!

I really want to say thanks to those of you who've been a great support for me! I've been sad lately & it's expected having Christmas without Mom but it's through grace & blessings that I can really get through some of these days!

Merry Christmas to you all!

Move over Martha!!!!

Okay, so this blog is mostly about health but it's about happiness too right? What made me happier than a holiday baking frenzy? To date I've baked the following...

Snickerdoodles
Chocolate Covered Cherry Cookies
Santa's Surprise (PB cookie dough wrapped around a snickers then topped with powdered sugar & chocolate drizzle)
Oatmeal Raisin Cookies
White Chocolate & Cranberry Cookies
Saltine Toffee
Peppermint Bark

Still needing to be baked are the Mexican Wedding Cakes. Mom used to make them all the time & I never could do them right. Here's hoping I can do her proud & make them turn out!

Yep, it's been a fun weekend baking & I've enjoyed some goodies but it's been within reason...mostly! lol

I sent a bunch home with Kevin on Monday, will take some to work & will also take them to his parents for Christmas then also to my families Christmas on the 27th.

I've been reflecting on my life, health, etc & find that sometimes I just think too much! lol Go figure right...I am a woman! Life is good & while I want certain things I honestly have no complaints. I guess that's what the holidays do to us, huh? Make us count our blessings!

Have you counted yours today?

Holiday's are FUN!

So Thanksgiving has come & gone. It was a good time as usual! Ate what I wanted, enjoyed every bite & never felt stuffed!

Let's see if we can manage that with 3 days of Christmas! We'll spend Christmas Eve at my great uncle's with some FAB italian cooking (aunt's side), Christmas day with Kevin's family then Saturday after Christmas with my family! AND we are gone Sunday for the Purdue vs. Valparaiso University men's B-Ball game too!

Then.....bring on my birthday cake!! Not sure what our New Year's plans are at this point but it'll be low key this year. We talked about just going to his brother's house so maybe we'll just do that.

I've been REALLY bad about keeping up with folks lately. I've honestly never been any good at it to be honest but it's been worse lately. So my apologies for that!

I'm getting ready to do a holiday baking frenzy too & am excited for that. I've got some new recipes from friends...chocolate covered cherry cookies, Santa's suprise (which are basically PB cookie dough wrapped around a little snickers then covered with powdered sugar & chocolate drizzle.) Oh yea baby!

All my holiday decorations are up too!

As for other stuff, I'm about 18 weeks out from my half marathon in the spring & then a month after that will be the 25K with Marcia! So excited!

Nutrition stuff is going pretty well, had some issues resulting from lower carb but we are on track (with Joe's guidance of course) to get things back in order. Honestly, I'm just wanting to coast/maintain through the holidays. I'm on track now...will derail for the above noted holiday events then will jump right back on. Living life as I like to call it!

Happy holidays everyone & thanks for being a part of my crazy life!

God bless!

Recap & rambling

Nice title, eh? That's me be all uber creative! lol

Thursday, November 20
Training: Off
Cardio: 40 min SS (elliptical)
Meals:
1: Rice cake & PB
2: Egg whites, ex. lean ground beef, peppers; wheat toast & SF jam
3: Rice cake, PP & PB
4: Ex lean ground beef & broccoli
5: Chicken, peppers & olive oil
6: Chicken, wheat pasta & garlic toast

Friday, November 21
Training: Back & tris
Cardio: Off
Meals:
1: Oat bran, PP & blueberries
2: Ex. lean ground beef & asian veggies
3: PP & PB
4: Chicken & asian veggies
5: Rice cake, PP & PB2
6: Ex lean ground beef, chili tomatoes & corn bread mini muffins

Saturday, November 22
Training: Off
Cardio: 40 min SS
Meals:
1: Rice cake & PB2
2: Egg whites, peppers & FF cheese slice
3: Rice cake, PP & PB
4: Egg whites, peppers & FF cheese slice
5: Sirloin, grilled shrimp & sweet potato (Texas Corral Steakhouse)

Today, I left some wiggle room for dinner out so I can also have some peanuts (from the shell) & a dinner roll if I choose to do so. We are also going to see Role Models so if I skip the roll then I can have a few bites of popcorn!

I will not have a refeed this weekend & suspect that is because I've been given a "neutral" for Thanksgiving. I prefer than anyway because I have every intention of enjoying that good food with family.

This week has continued to be emotional & I realized (through the realizations of another) that part of my thing is that I've never given myself credit for things I've accomplished. I'm too focused on the setback that I had post-show with the metabolic damage. I've never recognized what I accomplished to get on that figure stage. Stupid huh?

So how about this......

I've still lost over 100 pounds even with the extra I'm temporarily holding, I competed in 2 National qualifying figure shows & I didnt give up when it would have been easy to do so! I accepted help when it was offered, I continued to do something proactive when I stepped back from that assistance. And today I'm working with a nutritionist who's guidance is already producing results!

It's a start, huh? Program results thus far with Joe are great! I'm down 7 pounds in 1.5 weeks so far, I'm feeling good & he's been great about the changes that I needed to make in order to fit cardio into my schedule.

I've got no complaints & am happy to be a part of his team!

Have a great weekend!

Slacking Pt 2

So yea, been really bad about keeping up with this blog again. I revert back to an online journal far too often & maybe should just posting my daily stuff here. Votes on that?

Well, lots going on & just keeping busy. Kevin has season tickets to the Valparaiso University men's basketball games so that consumes a couple nights a week now. It's alot of fun though & being the sports junkie girlfriend, I'm happy to go!

Training has been spot on & I'm back to a body part split. I love full body training but the split works out better with my schedule.

I've also hired a nutritionist of sorts & am now working with Dr. Joe Klemczewski for that. You can find him at www.thedietdoc.com. Did I mention that he's a natural pro bodybuilder? It's only been a week but I'm feeling good. The reason for this is that I still do not feel like my body is back in peak function after the post show metabolic damage. It's getting better & I was able to drop a few pounds in the first week of the program but still needs some work. So I've handed my nutritional trust to Joe & he's also dictating my cardio. It's a decent amount to help with fat loss but also maintain conditioning. I'm a closet cardio junkie anyway so I dont mind it at all.

Running hasnt been really on since vacation but I'm doing the elliptical pretty often & can maintain my running pace there so I'm content with that. I'm actually hoping for a run outside this weekend but we'll see what the weather does.

We got our first snow of the season here in NW Indiana that resulted in 10 inches of snowfall in Valparaiso. And we are on deck for another accumulation tonight. Good times! I actually dont mind it so much but people do really forget how to drive from one winter to the next. Thank goodness for 4-wheel drive!

I'm looking forward to the holidays though find myself pretty sad lately. I'm really missing Mom which is to be expected & as a result I've been a bit (or more than a bit) sensitive to things said to me.

A friend pointed out to me that I'm also too hard on myself & dont give myself enough credit for many things. I'm working on that though & hope to be better about that in the new year. I'm already working on the health stuff so perhaps that will be my resolution.

I think that's it for now but I thought I'd update while I have a minute to spare.

Be safe!

Slacking!

It's been brought to my attention that I'm a blogging slacker! hehehe

Well, we got back from vacation last Monday & had a wonderful time! I've not taken a moment yet to do a detailed recap of the trip but will get around to that soon!

Here's a pic of Halloween Night at Universal's City Walk

Running has been on hiatus with the exception of one short one last week so we've decided not to do the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving but I'll hope to get a workout in regardless that day.

I guess I dont really have tons to report at the moment. I'll do better about keeping this updated again now that things are settling back to normal!

Finally!

It's here. The day I've been anxiously waiting for.....VACATION!!!!!!! Tonight we will be on our flight to Orlando where we'll spend a couple days at Universal Studios/Islands of Adventure, Wet & Wild, Disney & then whatever else we want! Evenings will most likely be spent at CityWalk! Kevin emailed me around 8am to remind me that in 12 short hours we'll be in flight! lol I had been thinking the exact same thing so I couldnt help but giggle!

This weekend I was at the Continental Bodybuilding & Figure show in St. Charles, IL cheering on some friends. It made me realize that I truly love competing & aside from the bad dieting for the first shows, I really want to do it again with better guidance. I'm thinking perhaps next fall but we'll see.

On the fitness front, I've been rocking my training, getting in my cardio & well nutrition has been okay. I got this crazy GI thing that's had me well I'll just say making friends with the bathroom. It's better but my tummy has still be acting wonky. So I invested in some Pepto for the trip with hopes that it'll help! So I've been eating pretty much when I can & not worrying so much about what it actually is. I'm on the one meal a day plan & that's only when I think my stomach will be okay.

That's about it in my world! I'm just ready to spend the next 6 days in Orlando with Kevin & enjoy a much needed vacation for us both!

Catching up!

Well, it's a been a bit since I've updated the blog. I realized I got in spurts between here & my online journal. So as promised, here's an update for those not reading there too.

Kevin & I are just days away from our Orlando vacation. We are staying just a mile from Universal Studios & will spend a couple days there then a day at Disney. Our tickets also include Wet & Wild so we may play there as well! Our trip is a full 6 days & I'm very excited.

Before leaving for vacation though, I'm heading to St. Charles, IL to watch friends compete in the Continental bodybuilding & figure show. It'll be exciting to see everyone again & cheer on those that cheered for me along my road to the stage too. Go Amber, Jill, Andrea & Team MVP!

As for me, this Sunday was a "missing Mom" day. Church service was about recovery. Not just addictions recovery but also from grief, anger or anything really that has taken some sort of control over your life. I realized in that service that I'm really still pisssed about Mom's death. It's hard to not be honestly. It was untimely & perhaps could have been avoided had she taken better care of herself. I'm not mad at her anymore (that lasted a while though) but I'm still mad at God. He knows though & wont leave my side regardless. I'm considering talking to a counselor at church in the coming months. I know it'll help but I'm not ready for that yet. But as she said to my best friend the other day "what are you waiting for?" I dont know...I'll get back to you on that.

Fitness goals are on track, I suppose. I'm really soooooooooooooo sick of worrying about every single thing that goes into my mouth that I'm just honestly eating. Trying to make the most healthful choices 90% of the time, not letting myself get too hungry so my blood sugar doesnt tank & allowing myself to still enjoy life. You can bet your paycheck that I'll be enjoying vacation but again will make healthful choices when able to! I'm looking ahead to the end of the year as my "target date" for being back at my goal. That's plenty of time & doesnt make me feel pressured to get there either.

I suppose that catches me up. It'll be a busy weekend leading up to our departure on Tuesday. I wont be updating this while we are gone but will cough up some pics & a vacation recap when I'm setting back at home.

Take care all!!

Putting on the brakes!

It has come to my attention although not directly that my head is slipping into a place that does not serve me well. It's that place that contains the diet information that I've learned over the years. Some of it's good...eat healthy, exercise moderately & enjoy life but some of it's bad...restrict this or that, cardio myself to death (this does not include training for a race.)

The battle continues with trying to stop that side of my head from creeping it's ugliness into reality. Why? Because I made a promise to my Dad. Because I cannot put Kevin through what my Dad went through with my Mom. Because it's not healthy & that's ultimately what I want for myself.

To be healthy, fit, active & enjoying the life that I have been given.

There's nothing wrong with that but it's easy to let that part of our heads suck us in! You know.....carbs are bad, fat will make you fat, the scale dictates your health, ice cream & candy corn aren't good for you (hehehe.) Seriously though, it's so easy to get pulled back into the "diet" mentality.

Yes, I'm going to Weight Watchers & yes, it's more or less a diet. But never will you hear WW tell you that a food is bad, off-limits or whatever. That the criticism that WW has received. You can use your points for whatever you want...that is true but they do not advocate eating 24 points a day in ice cream (that would be 3/4 of a pint of Ben & Jerry's for the record.) What they do is talk about making optimal choices & maximizing your points. Think of it as getting the biggest bang for your buck!

Anyway, my point is that I've realized that my head snuck into that place I dont like. I found myself starting to restrict by doing things that are not truly healthy. I'm not proud of that but I'm glad I realized it & nipped it in the bud before it got out of hand.

So that's my thought of today. I posted it in my journal last night but wanted to expand upon it. Well, I guess I only sort of did that.

My promise to my Dad was that I would always stay healthy (of course...only talking of what is in my control.) Resorting to extremes is not healthy & will not serve my body any purpose towards that goal.

It's nice to squash thoughts. It's nice to know that I still am in control & can exercise that control over stinkin' thinkin'! It's nice to know that there are people in my life...some of whom I've never met in person that can really make me think, support me no matter what but will equally give me that reality check that I need whenever I need it. Those of you who are that source in my life...thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Rear View, part 2

So a while back, I had been talking with a friend about what I did for training when I was training for races (half & full marathons.) For the life of me, I could not find those training journals...

....until today. It was the oddest thing but there it was right under my nose. The verdict? I did a lot of cardio. I biked, I ran, I did the elliptical (maintaining running pace) & then I tossed in a few weight workouts every few days. I did mostly upper/lower splits or full body workouts. Training days included 30 minutes of cardio & on non-training days included 45 minutes of cardio with abs added on (either at the gym or my ol' standby tape.) I should note that most weeks had 2 off days.

Where am I going with this? Well, I'm going to start doing it again. That schedule is when I felt my best. I was never exhausted, I was comfortable in my own skin, running races (my last full marathon is in this log) & I still gave myself rest days. I was also doing Weight Watchers at that time.

This is my rear view that I tried to do a while back but life didnt cooperate with me finding that journal. Now it's in hand & I will go back to what had me feeling my best.

Oh & to go along with the lines of one thing after another...today I slammed my hand on the doornob in my Dad's office leaving a lovely purple-ish lump. So my thought is that God really wants me to appreciate vacation when it rolls around. Trust me, I will, now can you take this headache away?!?

Trail mix good, migraines bad!

So yesterday I continued to battle the migraine that started on Saturday. All I could do was cry because I felt helpless & it just hurt. Kevin was amazing & had to fend for us for dinner. He cooked McDonald's! lol It hit the spot & served it's purpose. I was in bed by 830pm after dozing on the couch most of the evening.

Today finds me just feeling beat up with the after affects of it all. I took today off from the gym but will attempt a run tomorrow morning with Kev.

I'm concerned about the toe (read yesterday's TJ's incident.) I have no doubt that it'll rub & become irritated from as a result. My solution is to slap a band-aid on it & deal with any "icky-ness" after the run. I will NOT let this stop me!

I may have overdone some trail mix tonight but it was tasty! Sweet, savory & tart mix from Trader Joe's is my fave. I had to pitch the rest though to keep my mitts out of it! lol

Nothing much else going on with me. Two weeks from tomorrow, we head out & I'm 100% counting down! Kevin's actually getting excited now too that it's closer.

I really want to say how much I appreciate the comments on the blogs too. You guys give me things to think about & help me through things without even knowing it!

Have a fantastic week!

Weekend update.

Here's a good quote to sum it all up for you...

"i am having a bad day! the worst damn day of my whole damn life! if it is not too much to ask will you all just back the **** off!"

So the whole weekend wasnt that bad but it certainly progressed to something that I could have lived without! Rewind....

Saturday morning I slept in then went for a long-ish run with Kevin. We felt great & enjoyed the weather. I get my stuff ready to go then head out but not before checking my oil. Glad I checked...it needed attention. Jiffy Lube to the rescue.

Head down the road & realize that I forgot to print directions from the hotel to the show venue (I was going the Fitness America Midwest show.) So Kevin agrees to get me where I need to be.

Traffic got pretty heavy in the city with marathon weekend on top of typical Chicago weekend traffic. No biggie...I take a detour (self-directed) & eventually end up at the hotel. At that time it was around 3ish & I'd not had a meal all days...just a few HG fudge pieces.

I shower, Kevin gets me situated & I'm off to find some food. Nothing seems appealing when you are that hungry. A nagging headache tells me to EAT NOW! So I finally settle on Culver's after driving around a while.

Head to the show, visit with friends I've not seen in a while. It was nice. EXCEPT the DJ was a tool & had the music blaring. After about 2 hours, I realized a migraine was setting in. I skip out after they announce the bikini short class winners (congrats Jill on a 2nd place!) She & Carrie worked it & did fantastic. So glad to cheer them on!

Anyway, there are not Walgreen's on every corner in Schaumburg like there are here in NW Indiana. I was about 5 minutes from finding an emergency room. Head was like someone was hitting me with a sledgehammer. Sight was not good & I was starting to feel like I was going to throw up.

I find the Meijer's I passed on the way in & finally got some Excedrin migraine. Downed 2 before I ever walk out of the store. Make my way back to the hotel, cry myself to sleep (which didnt help the head btw.)

Wake to find that my head still hurts, shower & hit the road.

Truck doesnt want to start. Great right? I finally get it going, get gas & get on the road. I had two planned stops (Whole Foods & Trader Joe's.) Successfully make those although feared the truck wasnt going to start. It was iffy so I decide not to make any potty stops (brutal!)

Oh wait, I forgot to tell you about the stop at TJ's. I get my cart & head in the door. Being the klutz that I am, I stub my toe on the cart. Thinking nothing of it until I look down & see blood along with my toenail hanging off. YIKES! Super sweet girl...Jess at the Downer's Grove store does her first aid magic & fixes me up.

Finally get home & call Dad to diagnose the truck. Sounds like the battery so off to Walmart I go. Bad cell in the battery they tell me so now I'm fixed up there too.

I decided I needed to escape the world so I headed to Planet Beach for a 20 min hydromassage, 30 min hydrostation treatment & HP tanning. Trying to nap but it's not working...head is still throbbing.

So yep, not such a great weekend after all. It's unfortunate it ended this way but I think that it'll make me appreciate vacation so much more. We leave just 2 weeks from Tuesday.

Calgon take me away!

Wars & Pampering

Yes, it's an odd title for a blog but it's a pretty good description of how I've spent the last couple hours.

Let's start with the great part of the evening. I posted in my journal about Planet Beach. For those that didnt see that. It's a tanning salon & spa all rolled into one. They offer a hydration station, lumiere facials, hydromassage, mystic tan & UV tanning beds as well. Now the deal is that for the cost of $70 per month you can use ANY of these services on an UNLIMITED basis monthly. Nope you didnt read that wrong. I can use any of it, as often as I'd like & even as many services as I want in one trip!!!

So tonight I used my free service & joined. I opted for the Hydration station which actually reminds me of a spaceship but it has infrared lights & steam that just soaks you. The temp of the pod heats to 116 degrees. It also applies moisturizers & tanning prep to your skin. It was awesome.

Next on tap for my trip was the Velocity High Powered tanning bed. It's a strange contraption & it's open concept tanning. Ideal for fair skin & can be used just 2-4 times a month for a very light color. You feel like you are floating on a cloud laying on the clear "bed" but it's pretty cool.

Now before anyone scolds me for tanning. It's my only vice. I'm not doing it to be uber tan but I dont like being pasty white anymore. I'm only going a couple times a week until we go to Florida then will continue just once a week. Okay...enough of that! lol

I headed to Barnes & Nobles from there, got some green tea & read some magazines. The whole time I was there, I was fixated on having something sweet. Hello pumpkin cheesecake! But I resisted.

Then I decided I'd go to the Rocky Mountain Candy Factory for a treat. Resisted again (was even in the shopping center.

Leave there & go to Target to get my script. Stalk Halloween candy, stalk the clearance treat end cap, stalk trail mix (come on girls.....you know what I'm talking about) then hit the candy aisle. Nothing.

Get home & still searching. Yes, I'm in fact hungry so I ate the freebie Kashi cookie sample that I got in the mail. Oatmeal Chocolate Chunk by the way is tasty!

Why am I fighting so hard to avoid a treat? Because I know I want to get a good cookie at Whole Foods tomorrow. Yes, I can have treats both nights if I want but I am chosing to not indulge both days. Am I still hungry? Yep so I'm sucking down some water & will find some real food here shortly.

I realized that I'm really battling the demons that want me to binge. It's a struggle on some days & not a big deal on others. Please read the blog listed to the side called "Kiss My Glutes" for some very real information about binging. Once you develop the disorder, it's always there & will truly never go away. You'll have to fight it sometimes but it's okay because it makes us stronger.

This weekend (tomorrow actually) I'm headed to watch friends compete in the Fitness America Midwest show. I think it may be hard to be there mentally knowing how much I loved competing but also how much my body has been affected as a result. Just being honest. But I fully intend to hold my head high regardless & be there to support them in spite of it all.

So that's the story of the day. Be good to yourselves ladies because if you arent then others may not be so inclined to do so either!

Be safe this weekend!

Rear view

Another fantastic run this morning. It was around 3.2 (thank you g-maps pedometer) & I was done in just under 32 minutes. It was a solo run today that helped me clear my head.

This week at WW we talked about soups & how you can toss pretty much anything into a pot for a fast, easy & filling meal.

I missed last week's meeting (had the time wrong in my head) but she reviewed & they talked about using your rear view. Basically what that means is when you are struggling, hit a plateau or have had a backslide for whatever reason, then you need to look back at what you did in the past that works. It was an a-ha moment of sorts for me because I'm living that at this moment.

I competed, had a blast & was a success in my mind. After that, I executed the plan to bring me out of contest mode but that's when it went wrong. My body was ticked at me & my metabolism had tanked. Fast forward to the very necessary metabolic repair program & the 10 pounds I gained with that (tacked onto the 10 I'd already gained while backing out of my diet.) I stepped away from that program & inadvertantly used my rear view.

I went back to WW because it's what worked. Once a Lifetime member, always a Lifetime member. Even our leaders & receptionists have had to use their rear view. One in fact is 3 pounds over goal at the moment because she's running this Sunday's Chicago Marathon. Her body is at a point where it's also ticked at her. She knows it & realizes it'll be fine once the running is scaled back.

Anyway, I encourage anyone to use their rear view. There are lots of programs out there & you just have to find what works for you. Low carb, low fat, whatever. WW at one point a few years back even offered a higher protein option for diet. It's easy to get sucked into this diet or that diet especially when you participate in fitness forums. Sometimes those places just lead to bad things with folks who are not comfortable in their own skin so look back at what worked best for you & do it.

You'll find your success & enjoy life more that way!

Ramblings and catch up...

Today finds me continuing to reflect on the past & where life has taken me.

Sunday would have been my brother's 34th birthday. He's still 8 years old in my head & always will be. I miss him. It's harder now with Mom gone too. This week also marks the anniversary of his death. It was a family curse as my Mom called it. Many family members died within days of their birthdays. Craig was another person to follow in that tradition.

So to say I've been feeling down would be an understatement. I feel on the brink of tears at most moments & it sucks. I hate feeling this way but I know it'll pass.

Yesterday was my 2 year anniversary with Kevin. We had a great weekend & didnt do anything special yesterday. We have Orlando planned & leave just 3 weeks from today so that's our time to celebrate. I did make dinner on Sunday although in my little funk, I burned his steak. Thankfully, I like mine rare so was able to salvage that one for his plate.

On the weight loss front, things are going well. I'm keeping up with a loss of about 2 pounds a week & am very happy with that. I feared that my body was not ready for loss yet so this is a good thing! I'm sticking 100% to my points target during the week then having more open weekends. I actually look at the weekends as a refeed of sorts. I've been monitoring my daily temp too & that's keeping within a normal range. Good news all around!

Running is also going well! We ran this morning for about 35 minutes. Ran for 40 minutes on Sunday. Race day #1 is Thanksgiving with a 6 miler & we'll be fine. I'll need to come up with a training plan soon for the half marathon in the spring. I also need to get with the girls that want to run a race together in the Spring. Can't wait for that!

I think that's my recap for now. Probably missed something but that probably just means it wasnt that important. Or it could just mean that I'm spacey today! :)

I still have "it"

So just a quick note...

I ran this morning in the crisp cool fall temps. I was nervous after Saturday's tough run but as I got to my first mile "marker," I realized something that just made me grin.

I was dead on my regular pace. And when I got home in just under my usual 3 mile time. I couldnt help but just keep grinning & realizing that I really didnt lose any endurance at all!

Perhaps it was just a tad too warm on Saturday for a long sleeved shirt or maybe it was just an off day for me.

Whatever the reason, I'm just glad to know that I still have it in me to crank out the mileage.

Go me!

Today I'll become the bull!

So you are thinking, "Heather's lost it." Well, perhaps but in the last few days, I've heard this song. It's called Become the Bull by Atreyu. The part that stands out to me of the whole song is this...


Back and forth the struggle consumes us all.

Trying to keep a level head.

In the most unsettling of times.

Today I'll become the bull.


It reminded me of the struggles that I've faced & the ones that I battle with lately. It really came to mind as Kevin & I ran this morning. I felt a bit uncomfortable running with the extra weight but knew that I just needed to put on my big girl panties & get out there! Kevin even asked me if I wanted to stop & just walk. I said no & asked him to not allow me to do that. I needed to just do it (Nike was right!)

I know these things to be fact:

1) I will drop the fluff.
2) I have not totally lost my endurance.
3) I haven't lost "it" but rather just need to re-ignite "it."
4) I may never compete again even though I absolutely loved it but I will continue to challenge myself!

How do I know these things to be fact? Well, it's the common theme of "I." Dont you see it? I want these things to be & as a result will make them happen.

I am going to do whatever it takes to make it all happen. It's simple you know. Just take the bull by the horns. It's how the song actually starts. Is there really any reason to not make things happen in our lives?

So I'm going to become the runner that I once was. Just 2 months ago, I could run for an hour without batting an eyelash. You see, it wasn't that long ago. Just a little conditioning & a few more weeks until I get back there again. It's only uphill from here. I like the challenge & will conquer this one like I've done all others.

Nothing can stand in my way!

No obstacle is too "this or that" to keep me from getting there.

I'm a goal driven person so I'll continue to strive for my best. That may never make me the best but I'm okay with that. As long as I continue to challenge myself, improve upon what I've done before then I am a winner.

Today, I'll become the bull.

Free your mind?

For the record, I hate coming up with subject titles. I try to think of something witty but it just doesnt happen!

So last night, I rejoined Weight Watchers officially. Actually, I'm a Lifetime member (September 2006) so I didnt really rejoin but started going again so that I can reclaim my body. I was admittedly embarrassed. You never want to be "that" person. You know...the one that gained weight again.....the one perceived as having lost control over food.....the one that couldnt maintain her goal....

Well, when asked what happened, I explained that I dieted for bodybuilding shows (takes too long to explain figure), the extreme dieting made my system backfire & I had to do a repair program to fix it. Makes you wonder if they are secretly rolling their eyes. Wouldnt it be easier to say "well, I just ate too many zebra cakes."

I was not the only "returning" Lifetimer. There were others & they'd gained back everything...then some. Me? Gosh, I've still not outted that have I? Well, I'm 20 pounds heavier than I want to be.

My goal time frame? To fit comfortably in my fave skirts when we go on vacation the end of October. Pounds? Well, I want to get back to my goal weight which is where I was when I started an online program last June. I'd maintained that weight for almost 2 years. I know it's doable & a realistic number for me.

So what about this free your mind thing that I taunted you with?

Well, that comes from the meeting topic from last night. WW offers "Tools for Living" & each week a different one is discussed. What's the irony that this week's topic was Positive Self-Talking? It was definitely what I needed.

So here's the main point: Manage Your Thoughts

This is accomplished by....

1) noticing when negative thoughts come into your head (do you notice how sometimes they just sneak up on us & fester?)
2) challenge the negativity (say no to the thoughts tell you that you "cant", etc.)
3) turn around negative thinking (instead of saying I'll never fit into those pants tell yourself that you will & you will rock them)

What really struck me last night was the realization that I had started to feel like a failure for gaining back some of the weight that I'd lost. In reality, gaining back 20 pounds is FAR better than gaining the entire 100+ that I've lost. But still I'd let the thoughts creep into my mind that told me that I failed yet again.

It hit me the hardest talking to my best friend yesterday afternoon. I mentioned to her that I was thinking about going back but was embarrassed. She said I was being silly & that lots of people have that happen. She's right, you know. Not one single person in that meeting was going to be judgemental & think any less of me for having to return to lose again.

No one. Well, no one but me. I'm being my own worst enemy yet again. I realized as I sat there that I'd already turned the negative thought about being a failure around by just going to that meeting. Negative thoughts were trying to convince me that I couldn't do it. I could have easily given into it & said forget it "I'll never lose it again." But I know me better than that.

I will stay healthy.
I will be in control.
I will be a success.
I will get this weight off again.
I will fake it until I make it.
I will not be frumpy anymore (even if that means having to get a few bigger pieces of clothing.)
I will.....
I will.....
I will.....

There are alot of things in our lives that affect us every moment. Some just creep in when we let them. I let Fat Heather sneak back into my mind from time to time. She's a reminder of who I was, who I dont want to be again & who I'll have to wage battle against from time to time. She was unhappy, unhealthy & just probably not alot of fun to be around.

So as I wage the battle to keep her under wraps, I'll also wage battle against the thoughts getting into my head that help her resurface. It wont always be easy to silence her but it'll be worth winning the battle to become a little stronger each time.

Never underestimate the power of the mind. Once you start to believe something, you will become that something. Good or bad. Keep your thoughts under control. Envision your goal, ideal or whatever & success will come your way!

Is it possible???

This weekend was an eventful one with all the rains that hit the Region & it left many with a significant amout of damage to businesses & homes. Today started cleanup for them although many roadways are still closed due to flooding & rivers are still cresting. Scary stuff.

Now, back to the topic at hand. You may ask "well, what is it?"

Balance is the one thing that many of seek in so many areas of our lives. Family, friends, exercise & especially diet. Who doesnt want to eat whatever they want & not gain an ounce?!? Certainly all of us strive for that.

So I sit here today, coming back from metabolic damage from hardcore contest dieting. Prior to that, I've always dieted although it didnt seem as daunting at that time. I was enjoying the foods I wanted & when I wanted them. I was able to strike a balance with an overindulgences by cutting back a bit the next day or paying penance on the cardio machine of choice. It was a good combo. I was running races, feeling great, enjoying good eats without stressing about it at all.

Enter online coaching & counting macros...it all goes downhill. I find myself fixated on how many grams of whatever each morsel had.

Even with Weight Watchers, I counted points but never felt that obsessiveness EVER!

How do I get back to that? I have an idea & I'm working on it.

With that comes the idea of looking & feeling frumpy. I realize at the moment I'm adorning my fashionably frumpy clothes.

I realized that this weekend as I watched the movie The Women. Meg Ryan's character learns that her hubby is having an affair. As she transforms into her own person in the movie, she goes from frumpy to fantastic.

It was then that I realized I've phased back into frumpy. I dont like it but it goes hand in hand about how I feel about myself. It's hard to break past that at the moment when I am carrying around some extra fluff. I dont want to wear my "fantastic" clothes & am content to cover up. Thankfully the cold weather is cooperating with that ability to cover.

So I'm on a mission to go from frumpy to fab once again. I've done it before, had a little setback but am determined to get there again. I owe it to myself & to the people in my life. I sell us all short by being frumpy. It's not a good look for anyone anyway!

Comments...

I changed the settings so you do not have to have an account to comment!

Why do I share?

So I'm totally humbled & excited about the response to the revival of this blog. It's so amazing to be an encouragement to people. Sharing my story on Oxygen & other boards was not for me but to let someone out there know that they too can do what I've done. It does help me stay accountable though & really helped me through some tough times.

There were no magic pills (although I'd be lying if I said I didnt try), no magic diets (tried them all too) & no magic formula to what I've done to get where I am today.

Honestly, it's all about diet & exercise. In fact, it's about 90% what goes in your mouth that is most important. Now, I'll clarify that by saying I do not feel that you have to eat "clean" all the time. That makes for boredom & can lead to dangerous places if you start feeling deprived. I know because I've been there.

Anytime I felt that food was "bad" or "off-limits" bad things started to happen. Someday I'll talk more about my binge eating disorder (pretty sure most of you never knew about that) but ironically it started out of grief when Craig (my brother) died & was finally conquered when my Mom died. Anyway, more on that another time.

My biggest success was with Weight Watchers & I had the BEST leader ever. She's still around but not a local meetings that are convenient for me. She was as big a support as my friends & family. I will forever be grateful to have met her (Linda H.) & will someday show up at her meetings again.

My point of this is just to say that even though there are so many programs, diets, etc. out there just find what works best for you. Some of the healthiest programs (in my opinion) are Weight Watchers, Body for Life, South Beach Diet & the Abs Diet. All of those offer programs that do not require you to count calories. WW has the Core program that's basically "clean" eating but allows for treats.

So find what works for you & dont be led to follow anything that you could not follow for life!

And never ever let anyone tell you that you cannot do it. You can do anything you set your mind too!

It's not always going to be easy but the end result will be worth the hard work!

Long overdue....

Well, I started this blog then let it go but now I'm going to resurrect it for my own purposes but am glad to have friends, strangers, anyone needing motivation following along!

So to back track, I did compete in the 2 figure shows this spring. I had an incredible time & absolutely loved the stage! The prep wasnt too bad, the glitz of it all was too fun & the sense of accomplishment was something that I can never replace. The first show was great & then I had a 3 week period before the second. I had changed coaches between shows to work with someone more local. I learned some lessons there about what hardcore bodybuilding prep is like. Wow it's intense. I was much leaner for the second show but did not look good. I came in looking skinny. I actually refer to it as my "skeletor" look. Still had a great time though!

Once the shows were over, I took a week off from dieting of any sort & a week from the gym. It was great & it was nice to just do nothing for that week. I got back on the horse after than following the off-season plan from my coach.

This is where something went wrong. As I ate healthfully & trained as instructed, the weight began to creep on. Well, some gain was expected for the time being but not matter how well I ate or how spot on my training was, I continued to gain more & more. It was alarming to say the least.

Fast forward to the last week in July when asked by Mandy Polk (IFBB Fitness Pro) "are you okay?" Wow, windfall...I was not. After a 2 hour phone call with Mandy, I decided to work with her to repair my damaged metabolism. The process was a bit crazy, no workouts for a full two weeks & I was eating a ton of food. I almost felt as if I was force feeding myself at times but it was worth it to feel better. My body responded rather quickly but the rollercoaster of emotions was not so fun during the process. For the first time in a couple months though, my body finally maintained. As calories increased though, I gained more weight.

Last weekend, I hit a breaking point with the gains & just realized that I could not continue with the repair. I have a family history of heart disease & the extra weight makes me VERY nervous (understatement.) It's not about vanity at this point because ironically I'm leaner than I was in the past at this weight. So that can be a bonus. Although very much encouraged to stay the course & continue with the last few weeks of repair, I just cannot do it.

Do know how grateful I am to Mandy for even asking if I was okay & for taking time to get me healthier. I may not be fully "recovered" from the failed metabolism & want to take some of this extra fluff off but I've learned how to not do it stupid. No more overtraining, overcardio-ing & no more crazy restrictive dieting!

I do want to compete again someday though. I absolutely loved it but for the meantime I'm hanging up my hooker heels & blinged out suits.

So you may ask....what do I want to do? Well, I wanna rock (lol.) Nah, really I want to start running again....

I started with my best friend back in 2003 & was hooked. I've now completed the following:

2 full marathons
3 half marathons
1 10K (6.2 miles)
1 10 miler
Several other races at various distances.

Oh & I've done a triathlon as a team (did the running leg.)

So on Thanksgiving, I've convinced (well, I think I have) Kevin to run the Turkey Trot with me in Valpo. From there, I'm thinking of the Valparaiso Mini Marathon again in the spring. It's a half marathon & a great course through our city.

As for eating, I'm just going with the flow. I'm eating when I'm hungry (duh, right!), eating what I want within reason (still keeping mostly to healthy choices) & enjoying some yummy (naughty) eats on the weekends. Balance is the name of the game & living life is what it's about.

Here's a note from a friend that really says it best about finding that happy place or balance if you will... (hope you dont mind, K!)

... remember the days when we were just trying to lose weight? Big picture? Grilled chicken instead of fried, ice cream a couple times a week, and fruit and veggies were enough to make it healthy? Remember when we ran, did weights, yoga, swam, and were just plain active and we didn't care about muscle loss or v-tapers? Remember when we didn't care how many grams of protein we ate b/c we were just happy to be eating a little better than McDonalds for 3 in our car? Remember when the scale went down despite conflicting goals of GAIN MUSCLE/LOSE WEIGHT/MAINTAIN :choose damn it, pick one, only one!

Sometimes those of us that have been involved in the fitness industry become too focused on eating amount of protein, x amount of carbs & OMG did I eat enough fat....

Take a lesson from a child. Eat what you want when you are hungry, eat until you are satisfied & you'll be fine.

So this is my journey to finding that happy place. Join me if you'd like, lurk if you will or comment if you feel it.....

It may be bumpy along the way but it'll be worth the ride!