Thursday, May 7, 2009

Rainy run, worm suicide & ponderings.

Sounds loaded doesnt it? It is...sorta.

This morning I was forcing myself to run outside. I'm soooooooooooooo sick of being in the gym & truly find I have little motivation lately to be there for anything other than weight training. Perhaps it's just boredom with the scenery but it's a task to get there anymore. I do know that we are talking about joining the brand-spankin' new Valparaiso YMCA so that keeps my head in the game!

It was a bit rainy when I left & it continued for most of the run. Honestly though, it felt great. I completed just under 5 miles & in typical fashion maintained a 10 minute/mile pace. No matter how fast or slow I run, it always averages out to that pace. At least I'm consistent right?!?

With the rain came the worms. They were everywhere & for some reason they just wanted to be under foot. Were they having a bad day? I mean I would if I saw a size 10.5 shoe coming down on me! I really try to avoid them because quite frankly it's just icky to step on them but sometimes it's unavoidable. My apologies for the lives taken during this morning's run!

And with the longer runs also come the times of reflection. Yes, I have my music streaming from the iPod but I still find that my mind wanders. I'm having a bit of a struggle lately with finding a happy medium. When I re-joined SOS, I was ready. I wanted to do whatever it took to get my old body back, drop this extra 20 pounds & get on with my life. After a month, my net loss was a big fat goose egg. I tried not to let it frustrate me but I'd be lying if I said it didnt. So I've maintained for yet another month. That's better than the alternative right?!?

On Biggest Loser this week, there were TONS of tearjerker moments. Tara crossing the finish line, Ron actually completing the marathon (not a fan of Ron but this brought me to tears) & one of them at one point said "why didnt I think I could do this." Maybe it was even Helen (also not a fan) but something really resonated with me.

I've done this once before (reached my weight loss goal.) Why dont I have confidence in myself to do it again? It's ONLY 20 pounds. I've still lost over 100!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why oh why do I keep doubting myself. I really dont know but I'm acknowledging today that I do it. I doubt myself. I somehow still think I dont deserve to move forward once again. I wish I didnt think that way but I do sometimes.

I dont want this to turn into a pity party because that's so not where my head is at all. But I do need to stop the self-doubt.

I'm physically active most days of the week. I eat well & while I may not hit my macros perfectly each day, I'm making healthy choices. I'm not eating garbage & not providing my body the fuel it needs. I'm no longer abusing my body by not taking care of it!

Moving forward, I will only have the can do attitude. I know I'm doing all the things right that I need to be doing. Why can't that be enough?

It WILL be enough.

And I will grab the bull by the horns...............

Anyone care to join me?


Christy said...

Heather, you know I linger on every word you write on here. I'm in the exact same spot. 15-20 pounds to lose...I've done it once before (except that time it was a LOT more) and I CAN DO it again. I'm in the exact same spot as you. I'm tired of the self-doubt. I'm tired of beating myself up. I'm doing it and moving on. Thank you, again, for another post that says exactly what I was thinking except much more eloquently!

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to let you know you are not the only one having these struggles. I too am finding it hard to motivate myself to drop the 6lbs I am still up. We can do this!! We deserve it!!


dori said...

Count me in!! I totally understand where you're coming from heather and know that you can do it!!

Sportsgirl said...

I see I'm not the only one having motivation problems in the gym. Gah, I hate it when that happens!