It's mid-week & I'm feeling good!
Anyone watch Biggest Loser? Last night, I was so touched by Tara. She's been so "on" & working hard, playing the game. She had the shift last night...the blinding lightbulb went off over her head. Did you see it? She FINALLY gets it. When she was pushing through the challenge, you could hear her words & it somewhere along the line shifted to "I must win" to "I'm doing this" and "I'm worth it." She finally realized what it's really all about. It's not about winning a challenge, shopping spree or an extra pound reward. It's about regaining her LIFE! She's got her life back. She gets to live & be healthy. When she tossed that bag over the edge & sat there sobbing. I cried along with her.
I remember getting to that point. You know the point where you realize that you ARE worth it. Do you think YOU are worth it? Sometimes we dont. Sometimes we think we do but our actions speak something differently. For a big part of my life, I didnt think I was worth it.
I would eat healthy "most" of the time yet still have those moments where I would eat so mindlessly (binging) & would eat so much that I was literally stuffed. My stomach was hard to the touch. It was very uncomfortable. When it stopped (for that time), I didnt always remember what I ate or what triggered that moment. But it was always awful.
I remember one night doing a bible study (my first ever at VNC.) It was a Beth Moore study called Breaking Free. I went into the study to just open up more to God & let go of guilt that I carried about my brother's death (he was hit by a car getting the mail & I always felt it should've been me. A story for another time.) But what I found in that short time was me, kneeling beside my bed, asking for forgiveness for the years of self-abuse via food. It was such a healing moment. Now I dont think God completely took away the binging but He helped me be a stronger person that would be able to face those moments & not give into the stress of the moment.
It wasnt until my Mom died in July 2006 that I realized that I really dont binge anymore. It was a primetime for it to happen but it didnt. I found myself in moment where I was eating at my house, alone with all the food that had been brought over but an incredibly caring church family, ready to find something to comfort me. I did & it was a lemon cake that someone brought. I had a couple pieces of it & realized that in the 2 weeks that everything happened, I'd never once turned to food for comfort. It became fuel to keep me going & to keep my strength up to face the days. I tossed the rest of that cake in that moment because I knew I didnt "need" it.
Does that mean that sometimes I dont overindulge? Oh gosh no. With the stuff that went on last week, I found myself eating a few too many goodies one day but realized when I went to bed that my stomach didnt hurt, I didnt feel guilty & I knew why I was eating things I normally wouldnt.
Know why you do things, know why you dont think you are worth it & know that you CAN overcome the negative thinking that keeps you in the past. If you dont let the past go, you can never realize what the future holds.
Are you ready to let it go?